Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
