I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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