Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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