it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
