i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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