I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
