4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize