Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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