Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My cat gives me a boner
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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