why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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