Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
