The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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