i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
