VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
