There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
