There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
