If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We left the knife in your bed.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
