So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
