I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
