Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
