i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
