You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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