Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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