I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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