if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You're a waste of cheezeits
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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