Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
