He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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