you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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