I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
whose parrot is this?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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