I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
