All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
wow bdsm is so cute
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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