I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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