i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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