I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
