Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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