If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
