My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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