My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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