Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
