now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
only you would photoshop your dick
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
