I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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