if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
