Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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