you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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