Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize