I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
