So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize