Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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