dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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