I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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