Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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