We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
