I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize