foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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