Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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