theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
did i just pee glitter
The air taste purple.
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