my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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