I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
